I’ve turned into a monster – I don’t even like myself, I must be hideous to be around… even my mother is scared to say “boo”, in case I crack….
I’m so stressed out, so highly strung… and why?
Because for the last so many years all I’ve been doing is trying to please other people… ironically nothing’s is ever good enough… not by my standards and not by theirs – I’ve set the expectations and they’re far too high. I’ve forgotten what life is even about – In fact, did I ever even know what life is about? Have I ever stopped to consider what makes me happy or where this is all going to take me?
I’ve worked for myself for 20 years, I’ve had three “successful” businesses by measure of reputation – yet the repeated pattern seems to be not charging my worth – I’ve worked my tits off for so long, forgone other opportunities, shouldn’t I be loaded right now? What is all this for?
On this day it was like a light switch flicked and something cracked! I broke down after keeping it together for so long – I didn’t care what anybody around me thought. On the day that I packed up my office space, I was past caring for anything, I was fucked.
That switch that went off also messed with the fusses in my brain – and even if I wanted to continue to work like a mad woman thinking I was super woman, I couldn’t – I couldn’t even read like a normal person, I simply stopped functioning….
Dare I confess it took me two years to see the light after this moment – and a whole lot of credit card debt as I tried to work small contracts to pay the bills to keep myself afloat. I knew I needed a relaxing holiday, however I didn’t have the funds – so I got another credit card and then another credit card to afford the basics. I wasn’t concerned about socialising. I’d done enough of that through my PR and events biz to last me a life time – popped up enough in the social pages… put on a brave face for too long…
Perhaps it was yet another “man failure” or it could have been my victim mentality, funnily enough it wasn’t the credit card debt, that was the least of my concerns, I was full of despair. I just wanted to be happy.
I was so exhausted still that my body could not keep up with my mind or my passions and that was so frustrating.
Eventually I threw my hands in the air and wanted to give up. I’d hit rock bottom – actually the bottom of rock bottom and the only option, was up or out.
And then it happened – I would have scoffed if anyone had said this to me this prior – but I had what can only be described as an “awakening” – I believe I actually “saw the light”. It was this over whelming understanding and realisation. I’d had a full and rather colourful and inquisitive life prior, explored many tricks, cures, therapies and alternative wonders. I’d acquired so many pieces of the puzzle, then in that moment I found the last missing piece and suddenly everything came together and made sense
– Self-love was and is the answer.