I’m trying to learn how to cry

I was taught how to be strong – and I am really strong – on the outside.

But I feel deeply on the inside. I don’t always know how to let it out or sort it out. So I talk a lot to understand my thoughts and feelings. In fact, I talk too much to try to understand myself and also, possibly even more strongly to try to be understood. It has suddenly occurred to me that if I learnt to cry I could release and “feel” more in the body and connect with myself more deeply. 

I know I have been “in my head” way too much and not in my body (or my heart). It hasn’t helped that I have been disconnected with my body for so long because of unwarranted insecurities… but yeah as I lie in the bath and practice crying, playing music to stimulate the tears … I realize the connection I’ve been missing may be able to be found.

I’m a strong believer that our bodies are able to heal themselves – mind, body, and spirit, so I’m trying really hard not to run to a massage therapist, call a friend for soothing words or God forbid, ring a clairvoyant to tell me my forecast! I know I need to put my big girl pants on and work this out myself.

Even though much of the above “deterrents” will give me some short-term relief, none of those options are going to be a long-term deep fix… I have to forge through this journey alone – as that is how I began in this world and I’m determined to travel back to that innocence. 

I want to cry

I need to cry

I am sad

And I don’t totally know why

But I want to cry

I want relief I want lightness

I want to feel

I want to feel the love that I have shielded for so long

Mostly without knowing

Mostly because of my unworthiness

What?! What even is that and why?

Why would YOU resonate with others who don’t hold YOU in love?” – Why do I gravitate toward that?

That type of darkness – where everyone seems to be blind

It is easier to hide there

No one will see… maybe…

But now, after “the awakening” I feel like I’m in middle ground; I feel one foot in the dark and the other in the light.

The light is new and I can’t see so many people yet and the darkness looks less lonely.

Yet, I know it’s more lonely (than the light), it’s just full and busy and with lots of hidden thoughts and memories.

The light is expanding… (and I want it to) BUT it means saying goodbye to hopes and dreams – these old aspirations hidden in the people I thought were for me. I now see they show me no light or heart felt kindness, only ulterior motives. That’s not my match. What am I “believing in” that would attract that?!

I say goodbye. It’s scary

It’s lonely

It’s unknown

It’s slightly fearful but my heart knows better

There is an interim space, however.  

A space of “no (wo)man’s land”… I’m walking through it… actually I’ve been here before. Therefore, this time I know it a little. This time I trust it. For I understand this journey is beautiful and leads to love, Soul love. It’s the road of least resistance yet it at times feels harder. It’s not, however, it is real and it is raw. And this is life. I am a soul playing out humanness. 

Let’s remember we only know the light when we have experienced the darkness…

We only know love when we have experienced pain.

We only know we are on the right path when we feel joy. If we suppress the emotions, there is no room for joy to blossom.

I let go, I surrender to woman’s wisdom – I choose to come back to my emotions and cry for love. Not from someone else, simply for it to rise again from within.

Amen.

If you want to find your authentic self (underneath the layers of society’s conditioning) be willing to face your darkness, not avoid it. Winter Solstice is a heightened time to be reflective – it’s a magical contemplative vibe. Just as we often wish the bleakness of Winter away to come into Spring… We also tend to ignore the things we fear and cover them up with materialistic ways of “finding happiness”. However, each season has a purpose, just like each of our emotions do too. The wisdom of Winter brings us learning opportunities, allowing us to embrace the need for withdrawal as an essential part of renewal. Let’s set clear intentions for the next six months and be conscious of our greatest fears or inhibitions that we wish to release this season. Blessings to you Soul Sisters.

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